It won't always be this way

Today was a good day. Did some yoga. Did some work. Read a bunch of pages for class. And while it was a good day, it would have been better if I had just focused on that.

I am waiting. Waiting for him to come home. Waiting for him to give me what I need. And I don't know how to explain to him what I need. It isn't because he is gone. It is always like this. Waiting for him to get it. I need him to share more with me. I'm already cut out of his work- we don't talk about anything. But I accept that. But I need for him to give me more. He could of given me a card before he left. He has never given me a card. Ever. Maybe a letter or something of meaning. I wanted some recognition that here I am, waiting. I got him a card and printed out pictures of us. I send him care packages with lots of stuff. I made little cards with loving sayings or special stuff for every day of his deployment. A daily loving note. And I don't even get an email.

He has always made the decisions of what this relationship would be. It is clear as day. It has always been where he is in life, not about what I need at that time. Selfish. I see so many sides of it with my mind, but with my heart I see the hurt. I was watching this biography on Kendra- you know, the playboy mansion- and her now husband was saying how lucky he was to have her and just gushing. I just wish for a moment he would say those things. I had a dream that he got me a ring, but it wasn't the ring at all that I saw- it was him with just this overwhelming happiness. I just wanted him to be overwhelmingly happy to be with me.

The future is unknown. But one thing is for sure- it won't always be this way.